I’m an ENTJ. I’m a purple Quality Street – I look soft like toffee round the edges, but when you get to know me I’m a pretty hard nut to crack. I’m an Enneagram Type 1. I am ‘Mr Spock’ personified. So it has come as a bit of a surprise to find myself recently overwhelmed with emotion. A particularity wonderful parishioner was reaching the end of her life, and my prayers were torn between a) wanting her to be spared more pain and b) wanting, very badly wanting, for God to heal her.
I know intellectually that her death this week is a blessing, and she was ready to meet her God, in whom she trusted with considerably more conviction that I could muster at her bedside. But my heart is bewildered, and reluctant to let her go. I met her properly on the day before her diagnosis of terminal illness, and have journeyed with her, and her family, through these last weeks. She has walked closely with God, a woman of faith and courage, honest, gracious and dignified. I just didn’t want her to die.
It will be a privilege to be part of her funeral, and to continue to journey with her family. But a part of me will be angry with God that our world is not yet part of the new creation, and that she cannot be made whole NOW. I believe that the second coming may still be some time off – but can’t it come a bit more quickly… It’s all very difficult for an emotion-phobe.